Dreamed about Abby last night. Got beagle kisses in my sleep. Not a bad thing. Too bad I woke up feeling really crappy though. My throat hurts and I have a headache. We have a long list of things that need to get done today to get ready for Erik and his family coming over tomorrow. Don't know if we'll make it to the gym today though.....will have to get up early and go tomorrow before the cooking begins.
Have had some more time to think about Jake. I'd like to know if there's some protocol to how I should be feeling. My heart hurts so much, but I realize that I can't let that hurt overtake everything else. I need to move forward and onwards. Life doesn't stop for heartache, and I can't shut myself down. When I make the decision to move through and up, I begin to feel guilty for not continuing to feel sad and hurt. It's a vicious circle at its worst.
It's occurred to me too, that if my kids are like me, they don't stop to think about how *I* am feeling. My feelings to them, are inconsequential, all that matters to them is their world and their feelings. I say this because to an extent, it's how I feel about my mother. I know how *I* feel, and those feelings, thoughts, emotions, memories are my reality. Her's may be completely different. I dread that Jake, and to an extend Dan have memories that I don't have. How do you reconcile that?
I do need to remind myself that I'm not alone. There are entire groups out there dedicated to estranged parents and estranged children. I'm not travelling this path on my own, but I have no desire for company in this at the time. I'll simply continue moving forward one day at a time. I will be happy, and I'll let myself feel sad when I need to.
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