Left work early on Thursday and just came home and went to bed. I slept for a bit and felt a bit better when I woke up. I decided I felt well enough to meet Paul at the gym, so that's what I did. Bad mistake. Really felt like crap afterwards. It was an early bed night but I slept horribly. Seems that lately portions of the night are spent battling the cat for pillow space. When he first started sleeping on my pillow, he made himself really small and squished up against the wall. Now? I suppose he feels some sort of entitlement due to the time he's put in to sleeping on my pillow and he takes up 3/4 of it; leaving me a small corner to rest my head on. Why do I put up with it you ask?? Well, have you SEEN my cat? How can anyone deny anything to a creature so beautiful???
So, after a horrible night's sleep on Thursday night, we got up on Friday morning, had some coffee, laid around the house for a bit and then went to the bank. We finally opened up a joint account. Only took 4 years! Ha! So bank, followed by some last minute shopping, and then we came back home to kick back before heading into town for our yearly dinner at Fogo De Chao.
I was thrilled to have fit into my new sweater dress, and Paul looked mighty handsome in his shirt and slacks. It was really cold down-town so we didn't walk much before heading into the restaurant. Dinner was spectacular, as always. Fogo has hands-down the best service I've ever experienced in any restaurant. Our waiter was wonderful, and we really enjoyed talking with him. I think he liked us too...I didn't see him spending as much 'chat' time with any other table. He's been out of work the whole week prior with a herniated disk, and was still having a hard time with pain, but his spirits were very high. I began feeling really ill half-way through our meal, so we called it a night early and headed back home.
We did our gift exchange with Paul and Barbara when we got home. My Paul got me the most brilliant pair of boots ever! We'd seen them together online a few weeks before, and he bought them for me. I was thrilled! I got him a new briefcase; something he'd needed for a long time. I was sick of seeing him with his ratty messenger bag. So now, he has a 'big boy' leather briefcase.
Taz got a ton of presents from Paul & Barb, and proceeded to have a great time playing with them.
Saturday morning, bright and early we headed for Paul's cousin's house. I still felt horrible, but thought that getting out would do me good. Words can't describe what an amazingly wonderful time we had. Being around three young children as they opened their gifts from Santa, was the best gift I could have had this Christmas. Sheer and utter joy they were. Maggie, Anna and Matthew. Three of the neatest, funnest, smartest and coolest kids I've ever met. I am so thankful to Erik and Lynn for having shared this with us. We had a great time opening presents and having a super yum breakfast that everyone helped put together (except for me, I took pictures of everyone helping....). :)
Paul and I came home before Barb & Paul did, and I lay down again....this time for the count. Pretty much did nothing for the rest of the day.
I talked to Dan in the afternoon. He'd been sick too, and sounded it. We chatted for a while; I still feel as though this 'distance' has come up between us. Dealing with it a bit better than I was last week though. I realize that I need to consciously make myself move past the feelings of sadness and put them behind me. The more I do it, the easier it is to do. He told me that he'd spoke to my mother, and that Guido wasn't doing well. He didn't know much, but said they thought it was cancer. Today, I sent my mother a message. I have no desire to rekindle any relationship, but I do wish Guido the best. I didn't speak to Jake over the holidays. I did send him a note, but he didn't reply. I didn't expect him too.
At times, I feel as though I lead this double life. One life where everything is shit. All my relationships are filled with anger, sadness, drama, despair. When this dark life hits, it hits hard, and there are moments when I seriously wonder how to make it through to the next moment. How easy it would be to simply stop having any more moments. At the peak of darkness, I remind myself of the other life. The one filled with love, laughter, friendships...the one that I walk in and through every day. This is the life I have to cling to, but I'm filled with guilt because the dark one hangs right there, over my shoulder, pulling me down.........I can only hope that one day, the life that's filled with darkness will see the light. I can hope right?
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