Letting Go

"The compassion we feel normally is biased and mixed with attachment. Genuine compassion flows towards all living beings, particularly your enemies. If I try to develop compassion towards my enemy, it may not benefit him directly, he may not even be aware of it. But it will immediately benefit me by calming my mind. On the other hand, if I dwell on how awful everything is, I immediately lose my peace of mind." - Dalai Lama

I've been very grateful the past few weeks for the wise words of our Dalai Lama.  Finding myself in the midst of some not so fun circumstances at work has caused me to really draw on his words for inspiration and to maintain the calmness I know I need to feel, but don't always achieve. 

The interesting thing is that I'm finding myself feeling 'guilty' for not feeling strong negative emotions.  This applies to my situation with Jake.  I've resigned myself to letting go of him.  I've reached a place where I think of him, often, I feel my love for him, but I've stopped feeling the pain of his rejection.  Instead, I have a sense of peace and positive anticipation for a time when our relationship will change for the better.  Every so often, when I really think about this sense of peace about my decision and I immediately feel guilty for feeling peaceful.  I think I need to work on that. 

I wonder if it's common for us (maybe women in particular?) to feel guilty for being happy.  I'd be curious to see if there's any information about that.  

Rainy Days and Mondays....

When both of those come together it's tough to lift the veil of doldrums and find the energy to get motivated! But, here I am. Motivating myself and it seems to be working.  Have a lot to accomplish today work-wise and actually have made a list to check-off of.  Woot!

Went for a walk this morning with Paul and Gabby. As I type her name, I realize that I haven't even mentioned her despite the fact that I posted a picture of her yesterday!  Gabby's our new 'child'.  She's a year old Aussi/Chessie mix who must be part mole because she's burrowed herself so deeply into our hearts over the past 4 months!  I'll make sure to write more about her later when I have more time.  For now though, here's another photograph for our goofy Big Brown Dog. (Please disregard the fact that this is a B&W photo of a Big Brown Dog). :)

Harvests

You know how you can get tossed into a rut and you don't realize you're in the rut, until you come out of it?

I climbed out of my rut this weekend.  Not sure why it happened now, but it did.  Maybe I was laying fallow and all the various things that have been occurring in the background of my life sprang, flowered and now are being harvested.

The desire to write, to share to explore my world and to document what goes on in it is strong again, and I'll once again make the effort to do this on a consistent basis and see where it takes me.  Not unlike the process of quitting smoking, the process of keeping on track with maintaining a record of life takes many tries.

Today, Paul and I went to the First Unitarian Church of Baltimore.  What a fantastic experience.  It was warm, and welcoming and the service was centered around the theme of "Harvest" (thus the title of today's post...and you thought I was just a creative genius without any help! Ha!).   Listening to the stories behind what 'harvest' means to different people was very moving, as so many of them closely defined what I've been feeling and what I think Paul has been feeling.

We've both been a bit 'anchorless' and sort of swimming around without any purpose or destination, and I think that we've both realized that we need to have some sort of direction in order to have forward movement.

Besides the step of going to church, we also actually went out with another couple on Saturday night for drinks.  We met them at the dog park, and our pups are good buddies, so we spent part of the day together at a beach dog park, and then invited them out for drinks.  Like real grown-ups.  What a concept.   Had a nice time, we survived, and we discovered that sharing time with others besides ourselves was a nice experience.

Snowy Wednesday

No excuse whatsoever for not having kept up.  I think about writing every day, but somehow, manage to find something or another to occupy my time instead.

Unexpected storm today is keeping me home.  It's almost 10am, and I've caught up with what I can do, and waiting for updates from other parties before continuing on.

Things have been good.  For the most part.  The struggle with Jake continues.  About two weeks ago he sent me two really nasty texts in response to my having sent Ashley, her baby, and her 'step-children' gifts for Christmas. He was upset that I had spent "more money on them" than I had on him - not even knowing how much was spent of course, and following it up with another text referring to Ashley's boyfriend's children as "nigglites".  I was/am so appalled.  I really have a hard time reconciling the fact that this is my biological child.  The decision to pull away completely had to be made.  There isn't anything, in the world, that I could say or do that would change things between Jake and I at this stage of the game.  His anger needs to run its course; and if it doesn't, then I'll just need to accept that fact, and live my life.  It's so strange to love someone so much, and know that there is absolutely nothing reciprocated.

On the good news front, I'm getting super excited about my trip to the UK next month.  Time's going by so fast, February 17th is less than a month away.  I got my passport last week, and that was one big relief.  I still need to organize hotel/etc. for my last night there, and I'll be spending at least one night in the company of my cousin and her family.

More later; off to take care of some work.

Another Day Down

I'm pooped tonight.  Every muscle in my body hurts.

On Tuesday night, I went to a yoga class at the gym.  The class was called "Gentle Yoga". I plan on asking the teacher next Tuesday why on earth they call it "Gentle" yoga.  I don't believe that the word 'gentle' in any way goes with how my body feels.  It was so hard, and so strenuous I literally was almost in tears towards the middle of the session! I stretched and reached and held my body in the most un-natural positions imaginable (to me).  Was very insane!

I will say though, that I'm becoming addicted to the feeling I get when exercising. I love feeling my muscles warm up, my heart beat, my breath get faster.  I love when I start to sweat, and then feel myself go from that spot where I'm struggling to feeling like I could go for hours.  I haven't decided what I like better; cardio, strength training, swimming or  now, yoga.

The slow down in weight loss has been a tad disappointing, but I am relishing the newly found energy, strength and general well-being that I've found with my body.  I wish I'd found this years ago.  I do credit the gym itself for being the type of place that is highly motivating.  Such a pleasure to go to the gym; makes it easy to work out.

Swam today, did 1000 yards in 35 minutes.   My shoulders are sore, and I think I pulled a muscle in my rib-cage, but I know I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.  I'll sleep that is, until I wake up in a pool of sweat, and needing to go to the bathroom.  There is no doubt that I'm going through peri-menopause.  All the symptoms are there.   I know that's it's not really common to start menopause at my age and I read that the onset of menopause can be dictated by genetics but my mother had a hysterectomy pretty early in life so we have no idea what age she would have gone through the change.

I haven't been inspired lately on the photography front.  I think I'm just so tired by the time I get home, and the last few weekends have been so busy.  I'm hoping to get some mojo this weekend.  

In the meantime, here's what's keeping me going.  He is such a camera ham!  I love taking pictures of him.

This is: There are Two Sides to Every Cat

Dalai Lama's Insight

I know that if I keep drilling certain thoughts into my head, eventually they'll take hold.  Or at least, I hope that's the case.  
The most inspiring person in the world to me is the Dalai Lama.  There isn't much that he says that doesn't resound deeply with me on some level.  I strive and struggle, to follow his teachings and advice.  It's not always easy.  Then again, if it were easy, it probably wouldn't be worth trying.  


His words below were posted today within a piece he wrote that I found on Facebook.  It similar to the old adage "Change the things you can, and accept the things you can't change".  Such a hard process to follow.  I find myself obsessing about things that I have no control over, and not paying enough attention to the things I can control.    I love the words below.  I'll read them and take steps to implement the intent.  


"One of the approaches that I personally find useful is to cultivate the thought: If the situation or problem is such that it can be remedied, then there is no need to worry about it. In other words, if there is a solution or a way out of the difficulty, you do not need to be overwhelmed by it. The appropriate action is to seek its solution. Then it is clearly more sensible to spend your energy focussing on the solution rather than worrying about the problem. Alternatively, if there is no solution, no possibility of resolution, then there is also no point in being worried about it, because you cannot do anything about it anyway. In that case, the sooner you accept this fact, the easier it will be for you. This formula, of course, implies directly confronting the problem and taking a realistic view. Otherwise you will be unable to find out whether or not there is a resolution to the problem" Dalai Lama

New Year

This morning I received a really nasty message from Jake.  It upset me, as they always do, and I began to feel myself drop into that state of sadness that hits me every time he does this.  However, later in the day, a good friend and co-worker posted some words on her Facebook page that made a huge difference.

"There comes a time in life where you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So, love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy."


Now, I can't forget my son. I can't stop loving him, but I can choose to do the rest; surround myself by people who make me laugh and love those that treat me right.  That's easy to do.  My New Year's resolution is a simple one; continue on the path of securing health, and to that I'm adding the resolution of letting go of those things that cause me pain.  


Jake will need to find his way, or not.  I need to let it go, and let life sort itself out.  At this point in time, I think that he's so entrenched in being angry that he doesn't know any other way to be.  I honestly don't believe he has any love whatsoever for me, and I need to face the fact that he may never.  I can love him though, he can't take that from me, and I can send my love, my energy and hope that some day, he'll feel it and understand.  


So here's to happiness; his and mine.  May they someday meet.